hush

I didn't want to say because I didn't want one to think that it would change me. It does not. I am still who I am, and I have neither grown more humble nor proud. Talking about it only makes me uncomfortable because I see how one perceives me changes -- both for good and bad. Public perception and status sucks. I don't want more or less of your respect because of what happened. So hush I will be because I have this thing inside of me that wants to prove to all that it does not change me. Only Christ does.

I feel as if lately I have been getting disappointed in so many things. I realized disappointment for me often happens when I feel like I am in a place of 'right'... so to speak. A sense of righteousness and entitlement almost goes hand in hand with my disappointments. So, when I do feel disappointed, I often have to remind myself to step back, think, understand, and love. Yet, in a way unknown to me, I feel like I've lost this ability or more so, lost the drive to will this refining process in me. Why? I don't know. This whole thing makes me feel like a more bitter person.

Is it any wonder that without you, I feel darker? Without you more empty, yet less desperate? Starving, but a loss of hunger? Without you, the instinct to live disappears. Father, you know me and the depths of my hearts.  Search me and when you find me, please nourish me. Love me tender for I am still tattered and torn.

I am thankful cause I still have this urge for your intimate touch -- at least, I didn't lose that. Thank you...