rant: "considering You"

cause for the first time, in a long time, in this bitter disgrace of wrecked emotion i am considering You. i am considering You to be the cause of all the wreckage, the loneliness and the despair. but that foolishness quickly subsides and all i am left to do is beg you the question of why you leave me in darkness to rot afoul. to battle this loneliness of which was once solitude moments with you--now it is loneliness that is separated and afar from you. my soul cries for you to be near, yet it bitterly screams at the things you have allowed. it's hard for me to conceive of you being almighty, all powerful and loving today. for if you were all three, my alpha and omega, then how have you let me fall here; have you led me here yourself? i am full of questions and aching desires but right now in this moment when the aching has come so close to being numb i realize that today i am considering you. despite my pain and anguish, i am considering you. my jealous God, what am i but a speck to you? but yet you've grieved yourself the pain to see me fall into this wretched condition...all so that i can finally consider you once again. You are my God, and the reason for my breath... be near. Your love is sweet to my soul.