writing

I enjoy writing. Yet, when I try to write an essay to gain admission into a school, it becomes a whole new ordeal. I hate writing to please. I hate writing while my mind is racing with thoughts on grammar, punctuation and word use. I want to just write -- free flow. Flow free. Fly. I want to fly with thoughts on what I am writing and not how I am writing. When I draw, I want to draw with simply the thought of what I am drawing and not how. Without the thoughts of, which paint brush? Long stroke? Short stroke? Circle or oval? Square or rectangle? Darker or lighter? The process is maddening. Just give me paper and pen and let me scream -- express and without delay. 

I want to express myself without worrying about the damning how's.

Maybe that's why I've never been too good at the arts. Or when people ask me, how do you pray? Sometimes I give flowery answers to make it sound more nice, but all I am really saying is -- just pray. Other days, I don't feel too good and spit out, "I just do it."  How? I'm not concerned about the how, I'm really concerned about the who......aren't you?